[Movie Review] Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Man why do the Decepticons get all the good shit!?

The Transformers Movie franchise cannot harken back to the days of The Matrix when the first movie can be looked upon with geek wonder while the 2nd and 3rd movies are ignored due to an overabundance that slowed down the plot.

Dark of the Moon is front loaded with a great idea: What happens if the entire Space Race is set off by an alien ship full of Transformers landing on the moon. How far are the Russians willing to go to get their hands on some alien tech? And, looking back on it, did the Decepticons kill Kennedy?

The problem with this lovely idea is it may be fresh but the chocolate the covers the nugget filled center will likely give you a case of the stupids.

The gooey center involves several plotlines that simply make no sense: First, exactly why is John Malkovich even in this movie? Why is the hero of the movie stuck in a dead end job and exactly why is Megatron treated like a complete idiot? Hell, even Starscream is not trying to backstab the poor slob.

The good news is: Revenge of the Fallen is barely even mentioned in this movie. The Little Sambo bots are history but the bad news is the bots we already know get some new Autobots buddies that barely make an impression due to a plot that doesn’t really center on them. Plus, there are more Autobots we never saw since they are stuck at Mission Control with the Autobot Shuttle.

Oh. Right, wait, what Autobot Shuttle?

There are several plot holes to drive an Optimus Prime Semi through. Moreover, the brief intro about Cybertron and the final days of the Cybertronian War are just overview with no real scenes? (Would be writers out there – this is lazy writing since this entire movie should been on Cybertron but I digress.) No Omega Supreme, no Astrotrain, no Cosmos just oh yeh, the Autobot Shuttle shown enroute to the moon that we do not see taking off?

The hero stuck in the dead end job with his unbelievably gorgeous girlfriend is such a waste of plot even if it does lead to another great plot thread: Human Conspirators are in bed with the Decepticons. In addition, for the first time Megatron, Starscream and Soundwave w/ Razorbeak/Laserbeak all are working as a somewhat functioning unit! Ha Za! We have smart bad guys for a change! This could work!

And, it doesn’t.

If there is a fourth movie and there probably will be since it is making so much bank right now, I’d love to see another director at the helm. Someone who can handle the idea, the effects and the actors without blowing up Chicago.

The trailers leave much of the movie out since there are some rather large spoilers that I will not repeat but put forth simply: Spacebridge sending people and creatures across great distances: Great idea. Blowing up Chicago: Bad Idea since we’ve been there already. Sentinel Prime voiced by Lenord Nimoy: Good idea. Malkovich, Frances Mcdormand and Kim Jeong: bad idea since they stood out like sore thumbs only because their characters were poorly written.

And, like all the other Transformer Movies, the ending was just a cut to black with Peter Cullen voice over.

If you’re a fan, it’s worth seeing in the theater just to hear Cullen and get a halfway decent plot, if you have no idea what energon or Cybertron is, wait for your kids to explain it.

The Transformers Cartoon Franchise thankfully does not have the same problem as the movie franchise. The writers actually treat their audience with decorum of respect.

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